Roaming the uneven concrete
like a slobbering bloodhound
A vagabond meandering
through a decorated parade
Mischievous and unorthodox
Offensive and crude
Admittance of displacement
A lurking deadly reptile
Preaching to be resentful
Disfigure emotionally of others
A rancid phlegm among millions
The sauntering antichrist
(1st Verse)
It’s the last day of November,
The leaves are twisting in the wind.
All the years have passed by silently,
Tarnished memories seep in my skin.
Words only stick to my jaded tongue,
I don’t know how to unlock the door.
My feet are feeling like a thousand pounds,
Something inside can take the beating a little more.
Chorus:
I’m crawling on crippled boulevard,
Haven’t seen the rain or felt the falling stars.
There isn’t any rainbow miles away in sight,
Chained to the dark staring at the candlelight.
(2nd Verse)
It’s the last day of December,
The snowflakes are melting on my scars.
All the years have passed by in fear.
Burning photographs wasn’t all that hard.
Words only get stuck in my throat,
I don’t have the key to open up the door.
My hands are wrapped up in the past,
Something inside can take the punches a little more.
Chorus:
I’m crawling on crippled boulevard,
Haven’t seen the rain or felt the falling stars.
There isn’t any rainbow miles away in sight,
Chained to the dark staring at the candlelight.
Bridge:
I cry a little harder,
When I know the answers are in front of me.
I cry a little harder,
When I’ve closed my eyes and don’t believe.
I cry a little harder,
When I know my soul is faded black.
I cry a little harder,
When I know that this pain is meant to last.
(2x) Chorus:
I’m crawling on crippled boulevard,
Haven’t seen the rain or felt the falling stars.
There isn’t any rainbow miles away in sight,
Chained to the dark staring at the candlelight.
To care is to have patience
To appreciate you have to lose something
To love you have to treasure seconds
To forgive you have to be human
To grow you have to make mistakes
To be kind you have to listen
To be human you have to open up your heart
To gain perspective open up your eyes
To be ignorant close your ears
To be special just be yourself
To live is not to be afraid
To be alive you have to learn to feel
(Verse 1)
She only lets me half way in,
She doesn’t know where it all begins,
I’m sitting here waiting for the crash.
She only lets me see the picket fence,
She doesn’t know where it all went,
I’m sitting here staring at the past.
You play me like an acoustic guitar,
What should be easy is so damn hard.
Chorus:
Chards of lies in my frozen hands,
Dreams of love sinking in quicksand,
Secondhand wishes are never heard.
Walls of anger drowning in my ocean,
Lost and confused in all of my emotions,
Secondhand wishes are disappearing words.
(2nd Verse)
She only lets me see a ray of light,
She doesn’t know it’s not worth the fight,
I’d rather put your needs in front of mine.
She only lets me see a shade of warmth,
She doesn’t know what the future has in store,
I’d rather you see what you were trying to find.
You play like me like a southern violin,
Hopefully you can see no one wins.
Chorus:
Chards of lies in my frozen hands,
Dreams of love sinking in quicksand,
Secondhand wishes are never heard.
Walls of anger drowning in my ocean,
Lost and confused in all of my emotions,
Secondhand wishes are disappearing words.
Bridge:
I’m not afraid of the lightning in the dark,
I’m not afraid of the deep cut in my heart.
I’m not afraid of feeling the pouring rain,
I’m not afraid of the winds of change.
I’m only afraid of becoming numb…
I’m only afraid of what we will become.
Chorus:
Chards of lies in my frozen hands,
Dreams of love sinking in quicksand,
Secondhand wishes are never heard.
Walls of anger drowning in my ocean,
Lost and confused in all of my emotions,
Secondhand wishes are disappearing words.
“Can I help you ma’am?” His smile rang friendly.
“Hi, yes.” She hesitated, “My name is Autumn. I’m renting an apartment here. I’m sorry to bother you so late.” She straightened her wrinkly top and fiddled with a gnawed off thumbnail before saying, “I’m just arriving, and I was wondering if you know of anyone that I could pay to help me unpack?”
“Oh, hey, yes, I heard about you!” His handsome smile grew causing his ears to lift, and a cute little crease to form just below the right cheekbone. “Apt 22 right?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Howdy then, ma’am, I’m Jeremy.”
It was a very informal introduction yet he insisted on shaking her hand. His palm was big and his fingers were slightly calloused. A heavy free hand slapped her on the shoulder causing her entire body to jolt. He seemed like a very outgoing young man. A few…
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A carton of 2% milk to the left
Thin bottle of apple juice to the right
One shelf
A single cup of mixed berry yogurt
Second shelf
A six pack of Blue Moon beer on the bottom
of the shelf
Random condiments on the inside of the door
Could this be the refrigerator of a bachelor?
Writing with a light shade of pink
Paragraphs of wit and charm
Hallucinations of bitter love
Caught up in unknown webs
Burying summer flings and
hypnotic one night stands
Self inflicted wounds never sewn
The bookmark never leaves
this etched and engraved page
It’s the single page that altered
her perception of love and self
You gave me
a ray of sunshine to view humanity
You gave me
the glue to put my shell together
You gave me
a hand to hold the weight on my shoulders
You gave me
dripping sincerity and truth
You gave me
the candle to hold the endangered flame
You gave me
a sense of puzzling wonder
You gave me
a band aid to disguise the pain
You gave me
a cold cloth to cleanse the self worth
As I grabbed the notebook I cried hard. Words poured out:
Dear God,
I am suppose to believe in you. You took my Dad and I’m very mad at you. I don’t understand and why won’t Nathan cry? What is wrong with him? How could you do this to my mother? Is it possible for you to provide me answers soon?
As I was writing this my mom yelled up.
“Allie is at the door.”
I threw down the pen and wiped my tears. I went downstairs to let Allie in. She said my mom called her mom to tell her the news. I could tell she didn’t know what to say.
“Are you going to school tomorrow?”
“No I’m not going but will go sometime this week. My mom said there was lots to do. I don’t know what she wants me to do.”
“Did she tell you next weekend you and Nathan are staying with us?”
“No she didn’t.”
“It will be fun.”
“Allie Do you believe in God?”
“Yeah I do.”
“Why would God take my Dad?”
Allie just stared at me for a moment.
“I don’t know. I can’t really answer that. Is your notebook full yet? You said you would write something every day.”
“It’s almost full. I wrote something today.”
“What did you write today?”
“Today I wrote a letter to God. I’m hoping he will get it soon and write back.”
“I don’t think that’s how that works.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well at church we are told to believe in him. I don’t think he gets mail in heaven. He doesn’t wait for mail. My mom always says things happen for a reason.”
“So are you saying God took my Dad for a reason?”
“I don’t think it’s that easy to explain Ben. He didn’t take him to cut grass in heaven.”
I didn’t understand what Allie was trying to say.
Stuck in your slimy trail
Stumbling I my own broken dream
In a trance of treachery
Fraud flung like 52 card pickup
Double and triple and quadruple dealing fuckery
Your cunning and manipulative nature is driven by great ignorance
This trail is a prison in your superstar circus
This splinter in your minds eye is festering
And boiling into a third eye
A star stapled to my breast
Fantastic ruses in spectacular motion
Successful subterfuge bravo bravo
Its all appreciated
Thank you thank you
I’ll add it to my many scars
A few months had passed and everything appeared to be normal until a early Sunday morning. I woke up to the sound of my mother crying. I laid there in bed and it sounded like she was on the phone. It was barely seven in the morning and Nathan was passed out cold. I never heard her cry like that. It made me nervous. It was then that I saw the knob turn on my door and saw my mother wiping her tears away. I closed my eyes immediately and she sat on the bed. She placed her hand on my face and softly said my name. I opened them up and my mom was frozen.
“Ben I have some bad news.”
She stopped right there. She struggled to continue crying. It struck a nerve in my ten year old body. I could see she was in so much pain emotionally. I could see it at the age of ten. I begin to cry and felt my world was about to change in a drastic way.
“Ben your father was in a car accident and he didn’t make it.
I sobbed just as much as my mother. Nathan was still sound asleep. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How am I suppose to go on without my Dad? I was so mad. I was so angry inside. I sat up and hugged my mom for life. It was hard to believe that I would never see my father. My mom left the room to make us breakfast and I had to tell my brother. I woke him up and told him. He didn’t cry, he just looked at me.
“So Dad won’t ever come home?”
“No.”
“He was going to fix my bike. Ben who is going to fix it?”
I didn’t have an answer for him and was confused that he didn’t show any emotion. Our Dad isn’t here and all he could do is think about his bike. I didn’t get it. How can he not show any emotion?
It was a gloomy Sunday. My mom called everyone she knew to tell them. She was in tears all day on the phone. I walked around my house imagining my Dad not being here in the house anymore. No more playing football. No more car rides. No more wrestling. Something came over me as I walked around my house. I ran to my room and grabbed that notebook.
(1st Verse)
You can scream at the top of your lungs,
You can curse my name a million times.
Nothing you will ever say will undo what is already done,
So tell me why we can’t put this all behind?
Take a sip of courage and swallow that pill of redemption.
Everything I do, everything I say, doesn’t seem to get your attention.
Chorus:
You can shake your head,
Let your face get all red,
Call me every name in the book.
You can run the other way,
With very little to say,
And just let me off the hook.
Either way it’s breaking us apart,
You don’t seem to care to leave tears in the dark.
(2nd Verse)
You can bitch up a storm about all the small things,
You can dig that knife deep in my back.
You seem to know how to make that burn sting,
You seem to drift into the shadows of the past.
Take a sip of courage and swallow that pill of redemption.
Everything I do, everything I say, doesn’t seem to get your attention.
Bridge:
You know it’s time to move on when your words don’t mean a damn,
You know it’s time to move on when I can see you don’t love me for who I am.
You know it’s time to move on when all you do is cry,
You know it’s time to move on when there is nothing left inside.
Chorus:
You can shake your head,
Let your face get all red,
Call me every name in the book.
You can run the other way,
With very little to say,
And just let me off the hook.
Either way it’s breaking us apart,
You don’t seem to care to leave tears in the dark.
Unsettling analytics
Dispersed integers
Abrupt and chilling data
Between facts and information
Controlling emotions
Stepping on to Overthink drive
Distinct calculations
Business minds open
Fearful of making the “wrong”
and fateful decisions
Staring into Venn Diagrams
and Ghant charts
Sleeping beside project management
and waking up to “planning”
Spontaneity is two streets over
On this road it must be on a calendar
Crawling like a snail
Watching the hour glass
Staring at paint dry
on the curbside
Playing in the sandbox
Mesmerized by the fallen
rainbows and stardust
Absorbing every minute
Not one second is rushed
Pixels illuminate
Enhanced motions
Days inhaling weeks
Weeks serenading months
Smiling leaves dance
Rivers singing in harmony
Families at dinner tables
Time is a speck
Life is fully embraced
****
Check out my new book!
I love the feel and imagery Stella creates here!
Yearning on 3rd street
Air is thick with sex and cigarettes
Saxophone fills the cracks in walls
It’s voice is somber and of lost love
Tears are dripping from stools
Bourbon rounds are on tap
Suits and skirts sit solo at the bar
Still lips and sunken eyes staring in darkness
The saxophone plays to the lost on 3rd street
